Only a mothe r could love this liver
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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