So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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