Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
