My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
