I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
