My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
