The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
how does that bad decision feel?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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