M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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