If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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