If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
