I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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