May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
