It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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