Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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