Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
