3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
