we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
