I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
