Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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