I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
