she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
