I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
