peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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