sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
