he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
