Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
