Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
