I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
