Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
