just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i barfeds in our rink
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
