Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
