atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm always down for nudity.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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