i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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