Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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