Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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