STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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