My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My ass is underappreciated
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
