ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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