you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
