ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
