When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
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They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
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She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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