you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
