Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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