just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
