Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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