my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
