he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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