so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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