i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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