Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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