bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
