just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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