i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
