mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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