if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Randomize
