I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
